My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I feel seen.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING