A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*