If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
the three genders
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.