You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
The internet is full of many things
s
oc
i
a
l
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.