They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
who wore it better?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
getting groceries
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”