#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*