If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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I’m listening
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not