me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
What the hell happened here.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
just got my engagement photos