Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Happy Friday
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!