3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down