This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.