What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
You Might Also Like
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?