This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.