Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked