How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?