oh shit
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.