We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.