I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Home #decor warning.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Mmmm canned fish.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Stop sending me this shit.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!