I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee