I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?