[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You Might Also Like
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?