That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.