Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
What number SPF blocks people?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Liquor Store Parking
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
you have three unread messages
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase