Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I have questions??
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.