the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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Happy thanksgiving!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it