Spider-cat: No One Home
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Note to self: always read the final line
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.