[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?