a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.