Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.