Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
What a website
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?