20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.