Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”