blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.