bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You Might Also Like
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed