I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
🐕🍷
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Received some very disappointing news today
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.