A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money