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Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
monday
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.