ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
wtf is a larm clock?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.