*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.