[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If only