Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Is this you?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence