I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.