me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
You Might Also Like
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.