date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?