If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
omg leave her alone
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.