Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Usage Guidelines
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon