what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes