Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You Might Also Like
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what