Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit