Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.